I heard this story the other day.
A mother was having a bad day. She was angry, and she was frustrated. Her four year old son approached her and said, "It's ok Mommy. I will help you breathe."
That four year old boy is a preschooler in one of the classes I get to visit each month. You see, I teach kids how to manage difficult moments just like the one this mom was having. I teach them tools and strategies that help them through their tough moments and find peace.
And, deep breathing is always the first tool I teach. It's my #1 go-to power tool. I teach it first because it's so simple and effective all on its own, and because it becomes the first step when we start using other tools like visualization and mindfulness.
And, even though I hear successful deep breathing stories like this one, I also hear from many parents that deep breathing doesn't work for their kids. They try, but it just doesn't seem to help.
So, why do some kids become deep breathing masters, while others continue to have difficulty managing the tantrums, difficult moments, and big emotions?
In my experience, I have noticed three mistakes that keep popping up when we try to get our kids to calm using deep breathing.
I believe in the power of deep breathing, and I don't want you to make (or continue making) these deep breathing mistakes. So, let me fill you in.
The 3 Biggest Deep Breathing Mistakes I See...
MISTAKE #3 - Thinking Deep breathing is too simple or too "woo-woo" to be effective
I already mentioned that deep breathing is one of my power tools for taming big energy. It’s a natural and effective solution, and it’s free. It can be used anywhere and at anytime. But for some reason, many people don’t think a technique like deep breathing can be effective because it is too simple or they think it’s "woo-woo".
But, there is a biological explanation for why deep breathing works. I don’t want to get too scientific on you, but I do want you to understand that deep breathing causes changes in the body that help it to relax.
Slow, deep abdominal breathing activates what’s called the relaxation response in the body. It’s the mechanism that decreases the heart rate and the blood pressure, relaxes muscles, and calms the mind.
You see, when we’re experiencing stress, a part of our nervous system called the sympathetic nervous system is activated and causes a number of changes in our body associated with that fight or flight response that you’ve probably heard of. So, our heart rate increases, our muscles tense, and breathing becomes rapid and shallow. All of these biological changes make us stronger, faster, and more alert as our body prepares to face stress and danger.
Now, when the stress passes the sympathetic nervous system, the one that initiates fight or flight, is suppose to quiet down while the parasympathetic system activates the relaxation response to bring the body back down by slowing the heart rate, decreasing the blood pressure, and returning breathing to normal.
Now, breathing is unique in that it can function either voluntarily or involuntarily. And because we can consciously control our breathing, we can use it to activate or inhibit either of these branches of the nervous system. So, when we are experiencing stressful situations and big emotions, we can use slow, deep breathing to stimulate the relaxation response and bring about a sense of peace and calm in the body.
MISTAKE #2 - EXPECTING DEEP BREATHING TO WORK INSTANTLY EVERY TIME
So, the second mistake I see is expecting deep breathing to work instantly every time. And while, it can sometimes, the reality is that it won't every time.
You see, when kids have big energy, whether they're bouncing off the walls or they feel a rush of emotion- all of that energy is circulating and pulsing throughout their body, and it keeps them going at warp speed. It’s difficult to go from full speed or even from half speed to stop in an instant.
Think about it, even in a car, we need to apply the brake and slow down before that car can come to a full stop, right? So if you’re yelling for your kids to go from full speed to stop, you already know it doesn’t work.
Deep breathing is like the brake in the car. If the car is going fast, it will take more time for it to stop than if the car was going slowly. So, it's the same with your kids. If your child is having a tantrum, it's going to take them longer to come down than if they were just a bit annoyed with something.
I teach deep breathing in rounds of three breaths. A long, deep inhale and a long, slow exhale three times. Then, we check in with ourself and notice what we are feeling. Still feeling intense emotions? Then, do another round of three and then check in again. Feeling better after one round, then it's probably ok to stop.
I'm sure you've been wrapped up in emotion yourself at some point, and you can imagine that three breaths aren't going to do anything to help. And, while it may not help instantly, start to apply the brake and do as many rounds of deep breathing as you need to calm down.
THE BIGGEST MISTAKE - GIVING UP AND NOT FOLLOWING THROUGH
In my opinion, the biggest mistake I see when it comes to deep breathing is not following through and giving up. For deep breathing to work, we first have to remember to use it, and second as I have already mentioned, it may take more than one round if we are especially worked up over something.
So, if your kids forget they can use breathing as a calming tool or if they forget to check in and continue with more rounds, then parents and kids sometimes give up, thinking it doesn’t work or at least deep breathing doesn't work for them.
But, there's an easy solution for staying on track and not giving up - practice. Practicing every day will help your kids become deep breathing masters.
PRACTICE WILL HELP YOUR KIDS:
- remember that deep breathing is a tool for difficult moments
- use deep breathing as a natural response to stressful situations
- perfect their deep breathing technique
- feel the calming effects that deep breathing has on their body and mind so they can use it as a reference point during check ins
- stay calm and peaceful even when they are challenged with a difficult moment
...And What To Do Instead
So, as I just revealed with the biggest mistake, many fall short when it comes to getting their kids to calm down and manage their difficult moments because they give up. In our crazy, chaotic everyday lives, we understandably get sidetracked, or too busy, or simply forget about deep breathing because there isn't a plan to practice and keep going.
And, many will find themselves getting frustrated with slow results because they don't have creative ways to make practicing fun. You see, there's no action plan for practicing and celebrating successes.
So, creating an action plan and PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE is key!!
I know you're busy, so I've made it simple for you to take the next step in creating your very own practice plan, whether you are new to deep breathing or just looking for fun ways to keep it exciting. I have created A LOT of resources for your deep breathing success (I told you it was my #1 power tool). Just take a peek below and pick the perfect starting point for you and your kids.
Find your perfect starting point
- If this is you- I'm new to deep breathing, let's start at the beginning. Then, start with this blog series.
2. If this is you- I know why, I just need to know HOW to deep breathe. Then, start by watching this video.
3. If this is you-I already know how to deep breathe, I just need a plan for success. Then, start with this action plan.
4. If this is you- I'm ready to make this work, let's go all the way! Then, head straight for the Deep Breathing Lesson Plan. A full week of deep breathing activities for your success.
If you're unsure where to start, just drop me an email. I'm happy to help.
~ Dawn
